Wednesday, March 21, 2012

late night musings

I'm having one of those nights where it seems impossible to go to sleep.  Honestly, part of me just wants to scoop of Mr. Bean from in his bed next to me and just snuggle with him.  It's one of those nights were my mind wraps around a million different things and I want to solve all the problems in the world, but just don't seem to know how.

Mostly my mind wanders to a certain two year old I know and love. It's one of those circumstances where the more I think about our struggles, the more it makes my heart sad. Sad for all the things I feel like we are missing out on as mother and child because of his speech. I think back to my relationship with the older three boys at this age and realise that Goober and I have nothing like that.  Not being able to communicate with my child on a  level beyond of a kid half his age is so frustrating. I know he feels the same way too.

There is so much frustration. I know it's there; I see it in his eyes every time he tries over and over again to make me understand him. Each time saying the same thing, but it being something I can't understand. Yes, I know every parent goes though this with every child. It's just that it happens, like I said, generally when the child is half his age. So to have this be where we are out communication wise, when I know he has so much more than an 18 month old going on in his head is just heartbreaking at times. There are no secret jokes being whispered in my ears, no telling me long silly stories, and so many things I feel like I don't even know about my own child.

What's his favourite colour? Food? Bedtime story? I can ask him these things, sure. And maybe I might even get lucky and muddle through pointing and picking out things until I find the answer. But to get to have him tell me why? That's just hoping for much too much.

I know someday he will speak, and we will be able to sit down and discussing things. For now I can't help but feel a little cheated though, when I think of how fleeting these early years are, and how once they are gone, the magic of those whispered words will never be able to be regained.

1 comment:

Shauna said...

That is so funny you mentioned this, because just this morning I was listening to Logan and thinking about how far we have come. When he came home at two years I think he said maybe five words total! Each child is so different yet each child is so perfect in their own way. I think Logan going through what he had to made him much more connected to his feelings, and I would never want him any other way. You are doing a great job, and those boys know you love and adore them. Everything else will come.