Monday, August 17, 2009

Musings of the Mother in Me

A week has passed since we brought Twinkle Toes home, and while the surreal bliss of his presence in my life has not quite worn off, I find myself thinking more lately about another one of my children. And while I promise that I will post the glorious details of Twinkle Toes entrance into the world, today this page belongs to the eldest of my brood.

Frog Prince is so special and so dear to me, yet it seems like lately we've been going through such a rough spot. I feel as though I am completely unable to touch whatever it is that is going on for him right now, and as a parent that is a truly helpless and heart breaking feeling. Even sitting here, where words tend to be my outlet of emotion and expression, I find myself wordless to describe how he and I seem to struggle around one another of late.

I think my husband summed it up well last night as we were praying; he asked Heavenly Father to help Frog Prince to have endurance, to learn to work through when he feels tired, or sad, or like life it too hard. And it seems as though, all too often, of late, life appears to be just too hard for him. It is as though at times I can literally see life weighing him down, and it's just awful to watch.

Yet, as his mother I struggle with both wanting to cuddle him and make it all better, and simultaneously wanting to just shake him by the shoulders and tell him to toughen up and realise that the world isn't going to be any easier than it is at home. His personality is just so different from mine in that regard that I can't understand it, and I can't deal with it long before I lose patience in his sorrows. That doesn't win me any mother of the year award, to be certain, but if we're going to paint the picture like it really is, it's the truth.

So then, how do I navigate the murky waters that he and I seem to barely tread of late? I, honestly, am unsure. And yet, even as I sit here, the prayers of my heart are answered with the words of President Monson when he said, "A mother’s unqualified love approaches Christlike love."

As well as, The Family: A Proclamation to the World: "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children."

Perhaps it's in those two words; unqualified and nurture, that the answer lies, honestly I'm not certain. I, truthfully, think that every meaning of those two words can apply to our situation.

But for now as I reflect upon it all, I know that there is One who does understand the troubles of my little ones heart, and He is there for us both, as we struggle to find our footing again. He can lift up the injuries of a five year old that I can not touch, and he can take this unqualified mother's unqualified love, and somehow mould it to be what we both need.

It is in this knowledge, during quiet moments of reflections, like now, that the helplessness, and maternal sorrow melts away, and I can find joy...and know that here soon, my prince will have joy too.


Anonymous said...

I love you. I truly, truly do. You are such a good mother. If you weren't, you wouldn't care this much nor ache so deeply.

Your hubby and babies are lucky to have you, darling one.

Danna said...

Katie I agree with Aubri, You are!
I have one answer that sums it up and that is Faith. As hard as it will become in the future. As we continue life finding joy and having Faith We know that things will work out. It really will. I think it is harder on the oldest children. Maybe a Daddy-Son time would work. With being the oldest he might feel the farthest.

Jon said...

Ah the struggle between "Nurture" vs "Get tough". Everyone needs a little of both, I think. So here's my two bits.

Say What!!?? You're struggling with a 5-year-old? Buck up little lady! You haven't seen anything yet. Wait until he's a teenager!

Vanessa said...

5 yrs is a tough year for most children. As I have gotten to re-know you through reading your facebook updates, I can tell that you are an exceptional mother and nurturer.

I know that He is guiding you and your little one through this tough time, and I agree with Danna, have Faith that this will work out for the better. He has a plan for all of us, and sometimes that requires that we struggle so we CAN be strong.

Just remember patience and love will get both of you through this rough spot.

Evan and Charitie said...

I'm having some of the same struggles with my oldest and starting to be my middle one too. They want to lead their own lives, but have a hard time knowing where they fit and why life isn't always how they want it to be. My greatest advice, keep praying and when all seems lost, He'll give you the patience, knowledge and wisdom you need for your children and yourself. You are a wonderful mother, never doubt that!!!