Dear grocery store costumers in Aisle 7,
In case you were wondering, yes, I did see all 10 of you today, when you stopped to glare at me for disciplining my children. Just wanted to make sure you were aware your increase in frown lines wasn't in vain. Thank you for taking an interest in how I raise my children. I hope when you go home tonight and tell your spouses about the 'woman at the store with WAY too many kids, that were out of control,' you won't forget any of the thrilling details.
And sir; yes, you over there, who I don't think was quite loud enough with your disapproving exhalation of breath; next time I will a little harder not to block your view of the salad dressing selections as I run full hilt down the aisle--in heels -- to stop my five year old from knocking the juice boxes off the shelves.
Oh yes, lest we forget, let me just clear it up that it was my five year old who was screaming at the top of his lungs for me not to spank him, after stopping the juice box incident. After all, I wouldn't want all his hard work at figuring out that screaming such a thing would be much more dramatic to go to waste. Given that, I wouldn't want you all to be confused with the little boy, whose mother was absently handing her little darling anything he reached for off the shelves, while she was busily giving me a good once over. We don't want to make that mistake now, do we? So just in case you forget, it was my son. And yes, I did tell him he was silly to think I'd spank him in public. Of course I wouldn't do that... spanking comes at home.
But don't worry, I won't be offended when you take that the wrong way and reach hurriedly for your cell phones, to mostly likely call your friend, "sally" and then Child Protective Services ( in that order). Because being an 'enlightened adult' I know that there is never under the entire sun anything that would ever warrant a spanking. Especially, one that is not given in the heat of the moment, but at a later appointed time after careful weight of the punishment to the crime, by the terribly negligent mother. I totally understand that because, of course, having been spanked myself as a child for my misdeeds, I am now a damaged, low esteemed, part time convenience store robber.
So again, dear grocery store shoppers in Aisle 7, I'd like to thank you all for taking a vested interest in our little moment today at the store. I hope I lived up to all your expectations of 'those kind of women,' but gosh, do remember that at least by being parent enough to actually discipline my kids, I'm saving you the trouble in a few years, of having to complain about 'those disrespectful teenaged punks' over in aisle 9.
The perfectly in control mom of four normally well behaved kids.
EDIT: After hearing from a few friends that they thought I should submit this as a letter to the editor for our local paper, I decided to give it a go. After all, with a few tweaks here and there, I found it a rather tongue in cheek piece. Sadly, it was longer than their allowed word count. :(
Maybe if I'm feeling brave I will look into submitting it as a guest columnist piece.